Way too many women carry the scars of abuse. Some of these scars can be detected with the physical eye. Yet others are so very deeply embedded and disguised that one would have a have a difficult time recognizing them. That is unless they truly know what hidden scars look like. I do not gloat when I say that I know what these scars look like, it is only from experience do I write.
At first I could not distinguish my own scars because I worked so very hard to cover them up. Unfortunately, cosmetics won't work on these as they do with bruises, so I was creative in my disguise. I hid them behind the appearance of a clean, neatly organized home; husband and children neatly pressed and well-dressed; being an active football, cheerleading, jazz and gymnastics mom; being an (over)achiever in my job; an overall well-kept front of "everything is okay"; and eventually I allowed my pain and hurt to be masked by covering it with and in the "church". Notice the last part of my statement, I hid in the church, not God, not Christ, but the church.
These may look like your "fronts" and they may not. Everyone camouflages their scars in different ways. Some hide behind carelessness, nonchalance, coolness and indifference. Others still may chose to obscure theirs with alcohol, drugs and risky relationships. Regardless of the facade you, I, or anyone else chooses to adorn, one thing remains the same about them all...they are nothing more than a masquerade.
What we have done is nothing more than put a fresh coat of paint on the outside of our dwelling place. It may look good for a moment or two, but if we look closely we have painted over the peeling, chipping and cracking of the last coat of paint we donned not so long ago. And before we know it, our fresh coat begins peeling away and our pain is exposed again. We ask "what is the problem"?, everything looks fine. Upon a closer and deeper examination we find that we never took the time to "sand" through the crust of the old paint of disguises and masks, but merely placed another layer of camouflage that will not hold. Why is it that we hide the pain and scars you and I may ask?
The answer is simple. We feel that if we push back our hurts and pains we won't have to acknowledge them and maybe they will go away. It hurts way too much to address and deal with them so we cover them up again and again. But I have found, as I am sure you have too, that this could not be further from the truth, although it sounds good when we are applying that fresh coat of paint. Like painting over a dark color without a primer, the old color beneath eventually bleeds through whether we want it to or not.
What God has revealed to me is that I have spent my time masquerading around as if I held no pain and scars, all the while sinking deeper into despair and depression. What is sad in my case is that I was in church and was a Christian during the longest stint of my abuse, but I chose to carry the majority of my hurt, pain, bruises and scars by myself. I had been physically, mentally and emotionally beaten down to the point that I believed that God saved me out of obligation, but to fathom a real relationship with him was a fairy tale. No one could possibly love me and my scars, I was too far gone. I just wanted to survive and cling to the part of Him that would one day take me to heaven and allow me to escape from the excruciating pain that this world had dealt me.
Little did I know that I was clinging to the right one for the wrong reasons. The good thing was that I held fast to Him long enough for me to realize that He was more than a Savior, but He is also a Healer. Not just any Healer, but The Healer. I began to see that He wanted to heal my scars, but I was holding too fast to them. Just as I had to confess my sins before He could save me from them I had to acknowledge my scars before He could heal them. This was very difficult to do. Acknowledging that I was a sinner was easy for me, because it was easy for me to think negatively about myself, but to think for a moment that someone loved me enough to heal me was outside of my normal realm of thinking.
Opening the heart for His "surgery" is painful to say the least, but is necessary. Exposing the heart when we have applied so many coats of paint is agonizing and seems unbearable as He scrapes, chips and sands through the layers. Just as we have to place our trust in the heart physician we have to place our faith in Christ to know that He is skillful in working on the heart. Remember, He is the one who created it, so who better to work on and in it? What I discovered during this time is that He can be trusted. While other men have trampled on my exposed and broken heart, Christ held it gently while scrubbing away at the excess I had layered upon it. He took care, love and patience with my deeply scarred heart.
Isaiah 53:5 says that "...he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him: and with his stripes we are healed." Just as I said earlier it was easy it was easy for me to confess that I was a sinner, but this verse tells me that He suffered one the cross not only for my salvation, but He bore the stripes on His back so that I could be healed. I didn't have to wait for heaven to be healed, I could accept that healing today, right now and begin "living" my life instead of surviving.
I know that to tell a story you start from the beginning, but I did not want to wait, I had to skip straight to the good part. I spent years where many of you are at today...putting on a fresh coat of paint to mask the pain and scars only to find that once I got one on I needed to start again because the pain was bleeding through. My prayer is that you read this and can fast forward to this part and not waste the years that I did. Dare to open your heart to Him today. Stop hiding those scars, allow him to heal them.
Your scars are beautiful to Him, for they are a part of you. He doesn't care for the things that brought them to you, but He sees beauty in you and even the blemishes you try so hard to hide. Those scars will never disappear, but He will take those things that attempted to destroy you and will build you strong from those scars. Dare to give your heart to Him today. He can be trusted with it.
Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. I Peter 5:7
In the coming days and months I will begin giving you my story of deliverance, healing and hope. You have already read the best part...He has and is still healing me!!
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